[Devils-list] Avs...Blues...GOT BLOOD?

[BabySykora@aol.com]

Blues/Avs... game 3

--STARTING GOALTENDERS
  (2001 Playoffs Statistics)
COL:  Roy (10-3)  1.61gaa  93.2%
STL:  Turek (8-4)  1.90gaa  92.5%



--FIRST PERIOD
-Just one note before we start... Kasparaitis of the Penguins has
 broken two bones in his foot.  His take on the situation?
 "If I can put my skate on and skate, I think I'll play," he said. 
 (of course... because he knows that if he doesn't, Bergevin the
 fucktart will take his place... and well, we all know about 
 Bergevin's talents, eh?)
-"Which shoulder did you hurt?"  Answer:  "One of the two."
-They mispronounce "Hecht"
-Demitra whines... WHY ROY WHY??!!??
-Reid OFF THE POST!!!  
-Blues on the power play... 
-Devries goes down... apparently Dave Ried took down
 a teammate, because now we have a 5-on-3 favoring the
 Blues... Patrick Roy says it doesn't MATTER that they
 have two extra bodies.
 MacInnis misses the net... makes Patrick happy.  That shot
 looked like it was 100mph+
-Five on four...
 Turgeon looking confused... PIERRE!!!  He doesn't know where
 the puck is... Jesus... think Foote can smell what the Rock
 is cooking?  Wow has he got a schnozz on him!
 Demitra... 

(STL: 1  COL: 0) Khavanov (3-pp) {Demitra, Stillman} (5:54)
Jesus that horn is obnoxious.  Demitra... draws the penalty
killers... gets it out in front as Mellanby clears out the
front... Khavanov sneaks in unnoticed and scores.  

-Patrick starts talking to his posts.
-Turek sends it into the seats... Delay of game, Avs go on
 the power play
-HOLY SHIT RAY BOURQUE HAS DELUSIONS OF OWEN NOLAN!!!!!

(STL: 1  COL: 1) Bourque (2-pp) {Hejduk, Blake} (6:46)
Uh... they win the faceoff... Bourque rips one from like...
Nolan territory that blows through the five hole... Turek
feeling like he was 15 and at a party with Tibbets...

-Yoh-kin? WHO?

(STL: 1  COL: 2) Hinote (1) {Reid, Dingman} (8:36)
Ghost of Bergevin STILL in St. Louis... Turek COMPLETELY
misplays the puck, Hinote comes in, and says "HEY LOOK
WHAT I FOUND!!!"

-Two goals... Three shots.  That's a great save percentage,
 Turek...  I think he's sleeping. *L*
-Mmmmm... cheescake... 
-NO!!!  KASPAR HAS TO PLAY IN PITTSBURGH!!!  Kaspar, PLEASE!  
 Don't put Hedberg through the horror of having the fucktart 
 out there!
-GET UP MILAN
-Uh... if a team logs no shots... then it wasn't REALLY a
 power play, right?
-The MAGIC of NEW JERSEY?  NEW JERSEY AND ME?  PERFECT
 TOGETHER?  UH... Don't THINK so...
 On second thought... WHEN DID BARRY MOVE HERE???
-Oh yeah.  That's four. :op
-Upchuck goes and sits for four after bloodying Hinote
-Coincidental minors for Bourque and Drake...
-More matching minors.  Pronger and Niemmenen go sit.
-Ah...  blood.  EVERYWHERE.  What's playoff hockey without
 BLOOD???
-...and a crowded box indeed...  Barry's breakdown?  Of course.
 Foppa can't have physical activity--recuperating... Penguins
 have closed their locker room because it's like... finals...
-More blood.  Salvador bloody, and Colorado takes a double
 minor for high sticking.
-Apparently it's American Red-Cross night at the Kiel Center...
 Donate blood, get to take a shot at goalie of your choosing.
-Upchuck goes to sit for cross-checking... no blood on that,
 but... Have we played a minute with the boxes empty?
 Ray Bourque has been kissed harder?  I DON'T WANT TO KNOW
 THANK YOU VERY MUCH


--SECOND PERIOD
-So if we can get a big enough group... me, Crasher, Rangerboy,
 Flyerboy and his girlfriend (not named Erica) are probably
 going to a Mets game this year... not to really watch the game
 (it's baseball) but to drink & have a good time... so we'll
 take the LIRR so all of us can drink... anyone else want to
 join us?  We'll send a post to the list about it later when 
 we figure out exactly what date... I'm personally thinking
 either June 23 or 24...
-Ok... It must be okay for Kaspar to play, because Moran told
 him all about how the skates put pressure on the bones and
 all that... he's no doctor, but he did stay at a Holiday Inn
 last night
-Thank you Gary Thorne.  "It's okay if you only get four shots
 in a period as long as you have a goalie who cooperates."
 That's like "They won't win unless they put some shots past
 Brodeur"???
-We start out with people in the penalty box.
-PIERRE can't find the daylight.  Of course he can't!  Still
 having flashbacks of Dale Hunter!
-Cafe Milan upset that everyone else has been to the box 
 except him, so... he quickly rectifies that.
-Kevin Stevens left his crack in the box... that's what it is.
-Tkachuk... coming in... Roy doesn't upchuck the puck.
-I don't want to know about Alex Tanguay banging people.  It's
 bad enough I know he lives in Patrick's basement and he's not
 allowed to have girls over.  (Patrick looking to marry off his
 daughters?)
-A Fleury?  He's in rehab, guys.
-The Avs don't NEED shots on goal.  THEY'VE GOT PATRICK ROY.
-MacInnis still has trouble with depth perception, etc... so,
 what they're saying is he's not of legal eyesight to DRIVE,
 but he can play hockey.  Great.
-Let's send some more people to the box...
-WHAT THE HELL IS PAINTED ON TUREK'S MASK???  Turek's mask
 frightens me.  (I know... St. Louis... does it to everyone)
-Centered for Mellanby... they're TRYING... Mellanby gets 
 decked out in front of Roy...
-I haven't seen any blood lately...
-Eastwood tips in front... Roy tells him that he thinks all 
 Rangers, including ex-Rangers, just absolutely suck.
-More penalties!
-Patrick's eyes are bugging out... jerking his head back
 and forth inside his mask... his posts must be talking back
 to him... he seems like he's having quite the conversation
 with them
-I mispell Patrick in an ICQ to Scott... Scott reminds me "It
 ends with a "K"... don't make the voices in his head yell 
 at you."
-Klemm...  Turek makes an actual save, because that was an
 actual shot
-Drury... short side.. .save Turek, and we go back to playing
 "101 ways to mispronounce 'jochen hecht'"
-Roy hovering between his posts... he's already had his Wings
 a'la Potvin... wants some blue cheese dressing for the ones
 he saved...
-Foote looks like Upchuck.
-Yes, Mr. Foote... the bench is *pointing* THAT WAY
-Oh! THAT'S why Foote looks like Tkachuk!  Tkachuk hit him
 so hard he pulled a Matrix and took over Foote's body!
-Eastwood... Roy says he still sucks.
-OOOOPS! Al MacInnis shot a puck that hit his teammate Cory
 Stillman!  WE'VE GOT BLOOD!!!
-Blake's shot goes just wide of Turek
-Another penalty...  this is getting redundant
-Hill asks Drury how he is... Drury tells him "I'm fine,
 go f-yourself."
-Messier on the backhand... Denied.
-HOLY SHIT!!!  Hill is SO going to go to the box for that!!!
 Hinote... hits Hill... Hill... you haven't SEEN Hill
 VERY UPSET!  We do now!  Hill takes five steps and 
 just clotheslines Hinote into next year!  Welcome to the
 WWF PLAYOFF PAYPERVIEW LIVE AT THE KIEL!!!
-Scott asks "How DUMBFUCK WAS THAT?!?"
-Jeez... if Hinote were Sykora, he'd have broken in half!
-Blues confused... But... we're the Blues, God... and we
 beat the Stars in four straight... why do the Avs think
 we absolutely suck???
-He knows the puck is going wide... but just snags it
 for good measure... Roy IS French for "Fuck you St. Louis"
-Less than a minute remaining in the second, and Patrick
 asks his posts if it was as good for them as it apparently 
 was for him...


--THIRD PERIOD
-That's WRONG! Barry telling us just how "phabulouth" Joe 
 Sakic is... ok... I'm skeeved...
-Sakic doesn't realize he's in his skates?  THEN HOW THE HELL
 IS HE MOVING OUT THERE???  Thorne you're an IDIOT.
-Scott says:  "Sakic needs no skates...he's Joey SILKY :)"
 Silky like Sunny?
-Turek watching as the ref fixes his crease... Looks like he
 wants to start spanking the ref with that stick of his...
-That's right Turek.  on your KNEES.

(STL: 2  COL: 2) Mellanby (3) {Eastwood, MacInnis} (10:13)
Mellanby knew that sooner or later Roy would go down on him?  
Okay... I've heard QUITE enough on that goal.

-Scott cringing at the "bong"ing in the background...
-HIT HIM YOU DEEK!
-Scott:  Upchuck celebrates getting close cause he FORGOT how 
 to ACTUALLY score :p

(STL: 2  COL: 3) Messier (2) {Podein, Yelle} (12:40)
Messier makes Turek his bitch!  He THINKS he's the older and
better one... therefore he is well... not older, but more
better, eh?

-Messier... the OTHER one... NOT the Messiah?  Well... for
 the Avs he is... the Messiah sayeth the Blues sucketh.
-Pronger?  Did something RIGHT?

(STL: 3  COL: 3) Mayers (1) {Pronger} (14:17)
Demitra... to Pronger... Pronger gets no wood on it...
Mayers deflects, and Mayers scores?  Eeep.  That was UGLY!

-DUDE!  GET PRONGER OFF OF HIM!!!! (I don't even know who
 he's on top of)... but WILL YOU PLEASE GET OFF HIM???
-No penalty?  Sure... no penalty for ass-fucking someone,
 but God forbid someone kiss Ray Bourque!
-Milan?  What about Cafe Milan?
-TANGUAY MAKES MAC INNIS HIS BEE-YATCH!!!  OOF! He just
 pulls this nice little move past MacInnis... gets
 the pass... SHOT WIDE!!!
-ok... I need Hejduk or Drury to score... NOW
-Eastwood STILL can't score on Roy
-Stillman just somersaults over someone... Roy sucking
 wind on the ice... he caught an Al MacInnis slapper right 
 in the gut and no, #1, he's not Osgood (he'd have broken
 something if he were), and #2, his posts CAN'T make it all 
 better. (but they'll try)
-Patrick... one inch outside the crease... touches one 
 post... hops across and really quick touches that other one
-Scott:  HOLY NUTCRACKER BATMAN!  (on the MacInnis slapper
 Roy stopped with his jock)
-MacInnis leaves splinters of Drury's broken stick on the ice 
 after ripping another slap shot that snaps the shaft of
 Drury's stick in half (after Drury went totally SUICIDAL
 and lay down in front of the wide open Mr. MacInnis)...
 DRURY!  You just don't DO stuff like that!  Especially 
 when you don't have a HELMET ON.  (Drury's helmet came off
 prior to him dropping)
-Dave, on Drury:
 "u gotta be on f*cking crack to get in the way of Al MacInnis.
  that motherf*cker can SHOOT"
-uh... Drury?  We understand you want to win... We respect
 this... but please... PLEASE...  lose the game rather than
 your LIFE next time.  It's BETTER that way.  You can win
 TOMORROW.  ESPECIALLY when you're already up by 2 games.  
 If it's a game seven... okay... you can die.
 (Chris calls that the "Chris Drury Soliloquy")


--OVERTIME
-MacInnis... sees Mayers and realizes he really doesn't WANT
 to kill a teammate, so he doesn't shoot  (if it were Drury
 without a cup, helmet, stick, glove.... whatever.... he'd 
 have taken the shot...)
-MacInnis... Shoots this time... Deflected by the man with
 a million (wrong) ways to pronounce his name... WIDE!
-Pronger crouching to talk to the ref face to face...
-Sakic coming?  Please!  By all means!
-ALL AVS HAVE THE SAME EYES.  I swear.  It's Patrick Roy.
 It's a cult.  Roy.. Foppa.. SAKIC.
-"The final score of this game will be 4-3".  Well, no SHIT,
 Sherlock.
-Skoula looks like he's on speed.  I swear he's tripping on
 the bench
-STAY ON YOUR KNEES AND PRAY TUREK.  YOU GOT LUCKY AS HASEK
 RIGHT THERE... LuckiER
-Ok... that's it.  If you can't complete a WIDE OPEN PASS
 TO THE POINT, YOU DON'T DESERVE TO WIN.  (actually, you
 should immediately be traded to the Hawks)
-And Teresa burns her biscuits watching the Avs completely
 screw up and miss the open net...
-Hejduk got it out???  NO.  Put it IN Hejduk.  You want to
 put it IN.  In feels more better.
-Would you like some FRIED SPLEEN? EEIW!  Would you like
 some fries with that, Mr. Foppa?
-Give it BACK to Drury, okay?  Stealing is NOT nice, Upchuck.
 Give the puck back NOW.
-SHOOT IT, DEEK!
-GET STILLMAN OFF OF SAKIC.
-AND KEEP PIERRE OFF OF TANGUAY.
-Demitra passes to Devries...  he's CONFUSED
-Mellanby... Roy says he's not good enough to win the game
-**humming Jeopardy theme**
-C'mon, Joey.  You can score.  It's the BLUES.  It's TUREK.
-Okay, look.  Roy is not giving up a goal in overtime, so
 just stop trying okay?
-Turek, you SUCK.  Accept it and all will go according to
 the grand plan.  Just accept that you suck, and the game
 will end.
-It's "Mih-lohn".  NOT "Mil-ANN", okay?!?!?!
-da...da...dada.bumbada... RANGERS SUCK!!! oh... I'm sorry... 
 they're already golfing
-Teresa goes to eat macaroni and cheese... because it's
 only 8:10 where she is
-Somebody score... PLEASE???
-MacInnis you will NOT hook Drury down.  Not after you
 damn near KILLED him earlier.
-MacInnis took him legally.  (as opposed to Tibbets...
 he takes illegally, eh?)
-Ok.  Just dump it in fron the red line...
-Double overtime...
-Roy doesn't step on lines... skates a straight line...
 Mayers was in the way... Roy gave him a shove, and said
 "MOVE BITCH!"


--OVERTIME 2
-MacInnis...  WATCH OUT FOR FALLING DRURIES!!!
-Tkachuck... off the side of the net... 
-Drury sends it into the crowd to get a whistle
-"Do not perceive Patrick Roy to be superhuman"...  No,
 of course not!  He's just a GOD. *L*
-Roy pushed you out of the way before.  You think he's 
 going to let you SCORE on him now?  Yeah, right.  Keep
 dreaming, Mayers.  You'll score on Roy when I'm a tall
 leggy blonde and can call a certain Devil "my"
-Pronger gets aggressive... film at eleven... oh wait...
 it's after eleven... I guess no film. *S*
-Turek's mask IS frightening... it's just not NORMAL
-The Avs' plans to tour St. Louis will be cancelled...
 they will tour the continental breakfast at the hotel,
 then return to bed.
-Turek saves on the redirect then gets plowed by a teammate
 who comes in a little too hard to congratulate him
-Roy holds up the puck in his glove... "looking for this?"
 As we figure out we'll be having Roy's blue cheese over
 our Wings a'la Potvin!
-Swedish spleen with Roy's blue cheese???
-"And that's the beauty of playoff hockey... it can be over
 right away... or go on all night.  And you never know which
 one you're going to get"... or something like that
-Yadda Yadda... we continue with "One million ways to
 mispronounce jochen hecht..."
-Scott corrects me... it can be over in a heartbeat... but I
 was close... well, it can be over in a heartbeat... or in
 one misplayed shot by Roman Turek?  We can only hope.
-Turek thought this one went through his legs... WHY DIDN'T
 IT TUREK??? HUH??? WHY DIDN'T IT???
-Tanguay either looks really good... really bad... or just
 plain queer...
-Roy's bluescheese?  It's thicker, eh?
-apparently... or something like that

(STL: 4  COL: 3) Young () {Turgeon, MacInnis} (10:27)
That su-hu-hucked!  Blake screens Roy, Turgeon makes a nice
*cough* pass to Young, and Roy gets a piece as the chunky
blues cheese blows past Roy.


--SHOTS ON GOAL
      1st....2nd....3rd....OT(1)...OT(2)...TOTAL
COL:   4......8......4.......9.......8......33
STL:   9......15.....16......11......9......60


--POWER PLAY
COL:  1/6
STL:  1/7


--THREE STARS OF THE GAME
3.  Chris Drury - cause he's f*cking suicidal.
2.  Patrick Roy - even though he lost.  HE MADE 56 SAVES.
1.  Scott Young - ended the damn game.



The Hockeywitch
"Mrs Luc"

...disliked by Roenick, Lumme, Dean, Holik, and hockey players everywhere
...flat out HATED by Ed Belfour
...and "fancied" by Marc Bergevin, and the Devils' own Petr Sykora